Emotional Dumping: How Your Brain and Emotions May Trick You Into Thinking Nobody Cares About You

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Have I been talking only about myself for the past hour?

Image Credit: https://www.pexels.com/photo/women-laughing-on-beach-3727658/

I'm back blogging and this is my first post for 2021. I have more than 70 blog post ideas and I write them all down on my notepad when I write my subsequent post, which never happened, as I have been procrastinating a lot on writing, although I know it is one of the best therapy and self-care that has worked well for me in the past years. I do think that coming to the heightened sense of awareness about sharing part of my life and what basically runs in my mind, and presenting these on a public blog for everyone to read can be extremely vulnerable and I was not really comfortable doing that just yet. I think that is also one of the reasons why I created a separate Instagram page for my blog posts, as I wasn't comfortable or confident enough to brand myself as a blogger to those in my close network.

I also have been listening to podcasts a lot and I stumbled upon The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast by Nat Lue (she also has a blog and I coincidentally came across her post on dealing with drainers while browsing articles to understand about Emotional Dumping - a term I just learned today.

I also owe a big shoutout to Andrea from the Booksters Club on Instagram. We connected on Instagram from my business bookish page, International Book Promotion towards the end of last year, together with a bunch of other Instagrammers who read mostly non-fiction. Andrea announced that she is rolling out her coaching business and would like to work with the first 20 clients to get started with it at no cost, and I stepped forward to try it out, although I had the idea of approaching a coach in September 2020 when I fell into the pit of depression again. The idea of opening up to a life coach has always been a little scary but I went ahead with it, and also won a copy of Evan Carmichael's book 'Built To Serve' through Andrea. The last week of the 8-week long session is coming to an end this week and I have to say I learned A LOT about tools that are useful for personal development, and I think what I discovered today that I am sharing in this blog post below is largely due to the ability to raise awareness and identify triggers that I have learned through the "Find Yourself" program. Thank you, Andrea.

So, today I sort of cracked a puzzle and discovered something new about myself, and I wanted to document the whole lot of things that I Googled about. An incident that happened a couple of days ago led me to feel down and I was wanting to have someone to share my disappointments with although deep inside, I wanted to remain silent and process what had just happened. I did call up a friend and even sent messages to people out of anxiety unintentionally, although I knew that was not going to help.

I was upset and mainly because I was not able to understand how to go inside and do the inner work when I clearly knew I needed myself more than anyone else. When I did some self-reflection, I suddenly noticed that this pattern stemmed from when I was a kid. I get restless when there is an issue cropping up in my life, causing a great level of entropy. My busy mind would feed on the issue and get diverted from the main thing that I should be focusing on; be it work or everyday life. I would also be looking forward to sharing what had happened to my friends and possibly ruminate on it for some time before I could detox the thoughts from my mind.

This is also exactly how my downtime escalated into depression last September as I was looking to get in touch with someone for help and nobody was available at that instant. This is also because I live on my own and I cannot meet colleagues in person as I live on my own and run my business from home as well, and most of my work-related interactions happen online (I know that the pandemic has made things worst as well now for many others). When you don't find anyone to talk to, you think nobody cares about you and you fall into the pit of depression, estrange yourself from people, become emotionally unavailable, and build walls high up!

When I Googled for ideas and possibly articles to shed light on my perplexion, I came across the term 'emotional dumping'. As harsh as it seemed at first, I realized that there are instances where when I am overwhelmed by something, I would not even be asking about the wellbeing of those I am conversing with and I will mostly make the conversation about the issue. Confiding in friends and family is a normal human need and I think it is healthy but when we are in control of our thoughts and emotions, we would be narrating the experience in a calmer manner, and not rattling in a chatty and anxious way. 

I realized that I am usually very content with my own company when I am not in a troubled state of mind and sometimes only call people to talk about the problem. I felt that it is not wrong since I do not bother them all the time and I used to think that friends in need are friends indeed since I have also lent ears to those who needed my listening ears but I think that it undermines my ability to sit with the thoughts and find the way out. When I reflected deeper, I noticed that I do not get stressed about work and certain other aspects of my life, no matter how stressful it gets because I simply can withstand the stress and believe in my capacity to thrive beyond the challenges presented. Hence, I believe that at instances where I feel the urge to run to people for solace, I might have had a series of failures in the past in handling similar situations, which prompts me to always seek validation.

I think that emotional dumpers are craving for connection and validation (which may not be a good thing) and would love to have someone listen to them or possibly reassure them. Seeking validation may not be a good thing as we cannot expect others to genuinely validate our actions or emotions. We might be running into someone who would dismiss our experience or use our rather disheveled state of mind to gaslight us because we are not in control or content with how we process our thoughts in order to gain a #senseofself.

I have also noticed that in the event there is emotional turbulence, I usually come across people who do not really understand the context of the issue I am facing, and I would usually end up draining my energy in explaining myself, as it is almost impossible to explain the underlying reasons as to why I feel how I feel. You may have encountered an issue with a friend who had passed me inconsiderate comments on a sensitive topic and when you share that incident with another person, you may get feedback like "it's okay, maybe you should not take it personally", and you go like "why are you not understanding what I feel" and "oh, you don't get it". You cannot possibly put everything into words as there are deep underlying issues that only you know exist. The real catch here is that probably the listener has not understood how emotionally scarring the incident is towards yourself, and possibly your past experience with abusers triggers you easily. When there are a huge depth and breadth to emotions and experiences, it is usually not possible to be communicated from a surface level. 

Emotional dumpers are also people who like to analyze situations and like to solve issues and talk to others when they do not have solutions at hand. But it is not a good idea when those listening do not give the rightly fitting advice (this is why it is better to consult professional help). Only you have the solution to figure things out best and the way is to go inside and do the inner work. Also, when you talk about issues in the hope that others would be able to provide you solutions, you are not strengthening your #senseofself and gut feelings. Talking about the issues also multiplies its power, and you go deep into the spiral of vicious cycle. One of the worst implications of emotional dumping is that you attract toxic people masquerading as listeners. People who are not genuinely interested in helping you but wanting to seek pleasure with your struggles would pretend to be helping you out when they are not. 

I have been journalling from day 1 of 2021 until today and it has been extremely liberating and helps process thoughts better. Googling and reading a lot on the issues plaguing us can definitely open us to a wide array of new information that could help formulate actionable steps for healing. We can also channel the need to analyze things into activities like blogging/vlogging as this can empower ourselves and others. Neuroplasticity is a field that helps a lot to train your mind to send new information when faced with similar triggers, and this can be done by building new habits and holding on to different counter-reactions when you face similar triggers.

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Thappad: What does it take for a woman to be slapped by her husband?

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Taapsee Pannu delivered a though-provoking message through Thappad!
Image credit: Times of India

As I have cleared some of the works I had to complete on my to-do list, I decided to take a break yesterday and watch a nice movie. I love watching movies that have social messages embedded in them and hence, I picked Ponmagal Vanthal, in which the female lead fights against sexual harrasment and violence against girls. While I think that the movie is definitely above average, I think the social message wasn't sent across strongly. The movie could have portrayed how girls and boys should be taught to differentiate the good and the bad touch, and how boys should be raised to respect women. These elements could have been incorporated in the film.

So, while I still have the 7-day free trial on Amazon Prime Video, I decided to stream some other good movies, and Thappad came on the recommended list. I am someone who needs to know the storyline before I watch any movie. The plot I read on Wikipedia made me so curious I started watching the movie immediately.

As I am writing this post, I am watching the movie and it will end in about ten minutes. I love the dialogue delivery and I think the movie is impactful because it is well-written. So, the title of the movie means "slap", because the female lead who is homely, amicable and caring got hit real hard on the face in the midst of a family event as she was trying to calm her husband down in a heated argument with his bosses. She files for a divorce soon after, as her husband did not apologize for the incident and the families think problems "bound to happen", so she was expected to move on and make peace with the husband and family. 

I had to pen my thoughts immediately as we, Malaysians, have recently seen the popular YouTuber SuguPavithra's incident where her husband hit and tried to harm with a sickle in a hospital compound and how an Associate Professor was murdered by her husband who strangled her to death using a head scarf.

My immediate thought when all these issues surfaced was why is it always the womenfolk who get abused by men, usually the husbands? While I agree that there might be issues in the family and even in the movie I just watched, the man was having an argument with his bosses and the wife came to calm him down, but she got hit and not the men.

I think we all get angry and furious and it is alright to vent our frustrations out but why is it always women on the receiving end of the frustrations? Men don't slap men in arguments. Women don't do that either in most cases. 

In the current world, girls are given equal opportunity in terms of education and women now are working and having careers of their own more than ever before. We are free to choose our field of study, and the career path we think fits our life the best. We may get into heated up arguments with our parents but we do not get abused by the men in our households. So, why should women tolerate abusive partners and get hit once they are married and really, what does it take for women to be slapped by their husbands? What makes it absolutely necessary for a grown man to think that he has to hit his wife when her parents and siblings have not done that to her all her life? And why do families still wipe the whole incident under the carpet, and often say that they should move on, like in the movie Thappad?

I think we all don't even think of asking our partners if they slap or abuse others when they get angry because, come on, what a silly question that is! We assume that our partners would not do that until it actually happens and we let the reality sink in. While I think divorce shouldn't be the only solution to problems couples face, and that it is okay to give a chance for the one at the wrong end to repent, I feel that there should be a clear stand point made so that the victim does not get abused again.

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Being Self-Partnered: Are We Glorifying Being Single?

Emma Watson on being #self-partnered

The truth is, everyone on this planet earth needs love and human connection to live a fulfilling life, and that is inclusive of romantic relationships and marriages. I am not saying that everyone SHOULD choose to get married. If you were to look ten to twenty years down the road, those who stayed single were largely those who had issues finding the right person and not because they planned on being single from day one. However, things are pretty much the opposite today. 

A couple of days ago, I came across the term “self-partnering”, which is now trending after Emma Watson glorified her singlehood by coining the term “self-partnership” to her current relationship status. I’m not sure if the women’s liberation movement and feminism in general have been focusing on solving the root causes behind the need to have such movements in the first place.

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Take the scenario of working women today, who fight for equal pay, longer maternity leaves and flexi work hours. All these demands go back to their ultimate concern: childcare. During the old days, the men used to be the breadwinners and the women played the role of homemakers. Then, as the living standard increased, women were expected to help share the financial load and this became a necessity for some women who were both victims of domestic violence and financially oppression.

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We saw women joining the workforce to address the issues they were facing. Of all these “solutions”, we hardly see where and how men are involved as a part of the solution. We only see women largely adjusting their lifestyles to meet the demands of their family. And today, we paint a picture that relationships are fragile, not worthy, and that men are not dependable. Women are glorifying the status of being single because it is liberating, and it depicts how strong women can be.

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If only women are allowed to just be who they are, all these unnecessary restrains wouldn’t have surfaced. If we stopped measuring the worth of women from their skin colour or how well they cook, we could have slowed down the aggravation behind radical feminism. And today, we are subconsciously nurturing financially independent “strong” women because that is the next yardstick that would measure the worth of women. This also indirectly tells that men are not to be dependent on, and if women shed tears or are weak, they are losing the game.

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It is so sad to see that we are undervaluing relationships, portraying the wrong image of human and family values to the generations to come. If only we teach men how to rectify issues coming from them and if only women are not restricted and judged for who they are, cared and loved for by men, the second wave feminism and the power struggle in modern relationships could be a lot easier to handle with.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. I welcome your thoughts and views ! :D Thank you for your feedback